


it only takes a taste

by HuiLian



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics)
Genre: Cooking, Ensemble Fic, Fluff, Gen, YeetDC2020, he's canonically horrible at cooking, i know i know bruce wayne in a cooking fic?, spoiler: he got kicked out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:34:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HuiLian/pseuds/HuiLian
Summary: “Be careful with the knives, Master Jason.”Dick, even as he concentrates on making sure the tofu slices are precisely the same thickness, can practically see Jason turning in disbelief. “I use knives every day, Alfred. I can handle mincing garlic!”-The family cooks together.
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & His Grandchildren, Bruce Wayne & His Children, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd & Tim Drake & Cassandra Cain & Damian Wayne
Comments: 10
Kudos: 176





	it only takes a taste

**Author's Note:**

> it's practically inspired by all the times I'm helping my mom cook now because of quarantine. call this a Li'l Gotham continuity, shall we?   
> title from waitress!

“Be careful with the knives, Master Jason.” 

Dick, even as he concentrates on making sure the tofu slices are precisely the same thickness, can practically see Jason turning in disbelief. “I use knives every day, Alfred. I can handle mincing garlic!” 

“Of course, Master Jason. A force of habit. I apologize.” Likewise, Dick can hear the smile in Alfred’s voice. He knows the butler is ecstatic to have all of them under the same roof. He just won’t say it, what with his Britishness. 

Dick lets it wash over him, along with all the other noises his various siblings are making. If he paid attention to every single one of it, there’ll be no finishing his task from Alfred. And Dick shudders to think what Alfred would do if he didn’t execute the slicing of the tofu perfectly. Probably look at him in that very disappointed frown. It’s worse than the Bat-glare™ (copyright  _ still  _ pending).

Dick is sure that Jason is going to say something back, but before he can do that, Tim cries out.  _ That _ got Dick’s attention. Tim is usually perfectly decent in the kitchen. 

“Tim? Are you okay?” Dick says. He quickly scans Tim over for injuries, but there seems to be none. The only thing out of order is the cloud of steam coming from behind Tim. But isn’t Tim  _ frying _ the fish? Where is the steam coming from?

“I’ll handle that, Master Timothy.” Alfred effortlessly transfers the spatula and the bowl Tim is holding to himself. Tim relinquishes his spot behind the pan readily. “I forgot about your… apprehensiveness with hot oil. My apologies.”.

“Thanks, Alfred,” Tim smiles sheepishly. “It’s always scary, no matter how many times I’ve done it.” 

“You’ve let the oil grow far too hot, Master Timothy. No…” 

Damian cuts in. “Scary? I know you’re a coward, Drake, but I didn’t know you’re scared of _ oil _ .” 

“Shut up!” Tim flicks his batter-covered hands towards Damian. Damian lets out offended noises as the batter hits him straight in the face. “You try frying this. It’ll scare you too!” 

Damian clicks his tongue, in a way that is very reminiscent of Talia. He wipes the batter of his face, while saying, “It’s fish.” 

“So?” That was Jason. Apparently he feels the need to barge into any and every disagreement Tim and Damian have in his presence. Dick doesn’t know why. Dick doesn’t  _ want _ to know why. 

“I’m a vegetarian, Todd.” Damian pauses, then sneers. “Of course, a heathen like you won’t understand.” 

“A heathen?” Jason says. And… that’s Dick’s cue to ignore them. The three of them are going to argue it out, now, and Dick doesn’t actually want to listen to them have this argument for god knows how many times. At least when it’s about petty insults, there’s little chance of it actually going to a full-blown fight. There’s Alfred here. They wouldn’t dare. 

Dick goes back to slicing his tofu. Alfred is definitely going to give his disappointed frown to his younger brothers by the end of this, and Dick  _ does not _ want to also be receiving it. 

A hand slides into one of the bowls next to Dick. One of the bowls full of ingredients Dick had  _ just _ sliced up. Dick waits until the hand is near his field of vision again, then reaches out to swat it. The hand dodges. Of course. 

“Stop stealing the food, Cass,” Dick scolds half-heartedly. He looks up to see, as expected, Cass standing next to him with a pout on her face. 

“We’ll eat it anyway,” she complains. 

“You won’t eat dried ramen and then drink boiling water, would you?” Dick asks. Cass shrugs. Oh no. Dick forgets that Cass is the type of person who would actually do that. He quickly backtracks. “Never mind. Aren’t you supposed to be mixing the batter for the cake?” 

“Done.” 

“So you decided to come here and steal the fruits of my labor?” 

Cass shrugs again. “It’s not labor. You’re just cutting them up.” Dick opens his mouth to retort. He’s proud that Cass discovered sarcasm, but not when it’s directed at him, thank you very much. “Besides, there’s a free show going on.” Cass points towards their younger brothers, who are  _ still _ arguing. 

Dick snorts. “Try breaking some of their arguments, and see if you’ll still call it a show.” 

“It’s entertaining.” 

Okay, Dick has to give it to Cass. By that standard, the arguments would be classified as a show. Dick cuts the remainder of his tofu, puts the (evenly sized, thank you very much) tofu slices into a bowl, and turns to fully watch the argument. When he doesn’t have to break it up, it  _ is _ pretty entertaining. 

A few seconds later, Bruce walks into the kitchen. Dick sees it, then dismisses it. There’s no cause of alarm with Bruce coming into the kitchen. 

Tim, apparently, thinks otherwise. He throws the spoon that’s still in his hand towards Bruce, while screaming “No!” from the top of his lungs. 

The argument comes into a stop. Bruce dodges the spoon, because this family is full of expert dodgers, then also comes into a stop. 

“What?” Bruce says dazedly. 

“You’re  _ banned _ from the kitchen, Bruce! Out!” Tim points towards the door. “Out!” he says again, when all Bruce does is stand there confusedly. 

“Tim?” Bruce frowns. 

“You’re  _ banned _ . I still remember that tuna sandwich. Out!” 

“What tuna sandwich, Timbo?” Jason asks. 

“Do  _ not _ remind me of that. Out, Bruce, out!” 

“I demand to know about this tuna sandwich incident, Drake!” 

Tim turns to Damian.“What did I just say? Don’t remind me of it.” Then he turns back to Bruce, with a fury in his eyes the likes Dick only sees when Tim is fighting with Ra’s al Ghul. “Out!” 

Bruce just stands there. Looking lost. Dick is content to let this play out. After all, like Cass says, it’s a free show. 

Alfred, on the other hand, calmly turns off the stove, then walks towards Bruce. Bruce turns to him, a look of relief on his face. That is, until Alfred says, “I’m afraid I have to agree with Master Timothy, Master Bruce.” 

The face that Bruce makes is priceless. Dick has to ask Babs for footage later. He hasn’t seen Bruce look so betrayed, not even when the entire Justice League turns on him. 

“What?” Bruce says again. 

“It means please kindly wait in the sitting room until dinner is served, Master Bruce,” Alfred answers in that calm but resolute tone of his. It’s a tone that brooks no argument. Not from  _ any  _ of them. Including Bruce.

Bruce looks towards Alfred, then towards Tim, then towards Alfred again, before sighing and accepting defeat. He walks out of the kitchen, muttering under his breath. Alfred nods, then walks calmly back to the stove and resumes his frying. 

Jason doesn’t even wait until Bruce left the room to laugh. Tim smiles smugly. Damian just looks confused. 

Cass, who stays in his side throughout the entire scene, also content to just watch, says, “Free show.” 

Dick flicks her on the head. She dodges, then laughs. This family, Dick swears. 

**Author's Note:**

> listen, listen, if you're frying things that are wet/damp in hot oil, it'll make unholy sounds that people SHOULD BE SCARED OF. I'm normally good at the kitchen but I'll run when I have to fry fish and the likes. IT'S SCARY OKAY.   
> check out my Tumblr (huilian.tumblr.com)


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